Fear

First just to say that we’re going back to two posts a week, for as long as I can keep it up, I just thought I’d put this to start it off (i.e. I got impatient with waiting, but I’ll say that I missed the date). From now on there’ll be a post at midnight Friday-Saturday and a post midnight Tuesday-Wednesday (all times are English time). So a random bit of prose to warm us up on the second post of the week. To set the scene, this is an extract from the diary of a fictional 17 year old boy who has built his life on personas, similar to me. I suppose this is me brooding on what it would be like to have my masks removed.

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 Two comments that have been winding around in my head.

“Everyone fears something” and “That’s the first time I’ve seen you afraid”

The first one I heard ages ago and mulled it over long and hard, but found nothing, so forgot about it. Then the second one is said by a friend, a girl a year younger than me. At first I don’t think anything of it, then the two comments get lodged in my head and I couldn’t work out why.

Later I had one of those epiphany things; you know the light bulb over the head style thing. I worked out what it was I feared. What I fear. It’s that one teenage girl who is all bravado, that’s what I fear. Not that she’s going to kill me or anything daft like that, but that she understands me.

That’ll take some explaining. I’m one of those people who are like Russian dolls, every time you think you know me, there’s something on the inside, another layer. But this girl, I swear she sees right down to the core, to where there are no more layers, to the last doll, and it terrifies me. What she’ll find and what she won’t.

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Hope you enjoy, please feel free to comment.

The Lonely Recluse.

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~ by The Lonely Recluse on May 15, 2011.

4 Responses to “Fear”

  1. I think we’re all like those Russian dolls. And if you think you might know someone–forget it–there are layers below what we see on the surface that even they may not know exist.

    It feels almost like having your privacy invaded if someone can see you so clearly doesn’t it. What might she see and how will she judge? If she didn’t judge though–maybe you could feel safe with her knowing your “secrets”.

    Got me thinking, TLR!

    • We are all indeed deeper than even we suspect, but there are those who create extra layers, ones that have nothing, are just meant to hide the real dolls. That’s what I think the narrator is trying to say. It’s a bit like me with my mask illustration ( https://lonelyrecluse.wordpress.com/2010/11/25/the-mask/ ).
      Yes it does feel strange when people see deeper into you than you would like. Maybe the narrator will say what happened next at some point, I don’t yet know. Glad it made you think.
      The Lonely Recluse.

  2. I remember that mask illustration–that made me think too didn’t it! I look forward to what else that narrator has to say.

    • It did. I kind of half hope I never have enough experience to write the next part, for I fear I would have to go through the narrators experience to do it, yet half of me would enjoy it, I imagine it could be rather freeing. We’ll find out soomeday, maybe.
      The Lonely Recluse.

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