The Bare Platform

Sarah is hosting prosery day at the dVerse poetry pub. It’s been a while since I’ve posted prose, nice to write it again (if this doesn’t dance the line between poetry and prose a bit too much). The prompt was a 144 word story with the line “No one left and no one came on the bare platform” in. Apparently this is from Edward Thomas’ Adelstrop. I had already decided there was blood on the stage before reading the poem and finding out the poem is far more cheerful than my mind. Go check out what others have written, there’s bound to be something cheerier than my 144 words

No one left and no one came on the bare platform. The blood pooled noiselessly, too reverent to break the silence so saturated with the divine and profane. The moonlight turned the crimson to black as the life ebbed away, the stars the only witness of that end.

No one left and no one came on the bare platform. There was no one left to leave. There was no one left to come. The world had ended in a minute of madness. Now only the stars could stand witness, paying vigil to the end.

No one left and no one came on the bare platform. The stars cried out in grief. But no one could hear. The sun rose. The black became crimson. The world was left, lifeless. Black. And crimson. And silent.

No one left and no one came on the bare platform.

Hope you enjoy, please feel free to comment
The Lonely Recluse

~ by The Lonely Recluse on April 13, 2020.

31 Responses to “The Bare Platform”

  1. Brilliant use of the prompt line as a refrain; dark and dystopian, this piece is a dirge, a nightmare.

  2. That’s scary when you consider the ongoing pandemic to lend emphasis

    Happy Monday, stay safe


  3. The repetition is very effective.

  4. Yikes. It won’t take much to ‘poof’ us all, would it?

  5. Well done! A very sad end to things for sure. The repetition added a nice touch.

  6. That was …. Shocking. Moving. Silent. Raging. All at the same time. Bravo! I don’t even have the words to describe how it made me feel.
    Thank you. I think

  7. Very bleak. The repetition adds to the mood. By the end, I wondered if the whole world was the empty platform.

    • This is one of those points I’ll smile convincingly and take all the credit =P. I had a platform and a person in my mind when I wrote it, although clearly it is supposed to be the end of the world, however your metaphor works better, it was totally what I intended from the start =P. Thanks for the comment, glad you enjoyed it.
      The Lonely Recluse

  8. wooah. the refrain created that creepy feeling!

  9. I agree the repetition of the line worked very well. A terrible story!

  10. I like the repetition of the quotation, which emphasises the eeriness of the scene. I also like the phrase: ’The moonlight turned the crimson to black’.

    • For the sake of honesty, I have Tom Harris’ Red Dragon to thank for the imagery of blood looking black at night. Thanks for the comment, glad you enjoyed it
      The Lonely Recluse

  11. Remarkable piece! It creates an air of silence and loneliness while reading. Strangely, that made me feel calm.

    • Yeah, it’s the odd thing that the earth would be so much stiller and calmer without us upon it, although at the same time there would be no one to know that it was still and calm, so would it be. My daft philosophical questions aside, thanks for the comment, glad you enjoyed it
      The Lonely Recluse

      • Believe me, it is anything but daft. Even while writing, I can’t help but notice the chirping of birds and rustling of leaves. The earth would be much better without us. And my pleasure.

  12. I really love how you used repetition… it hammered in the void, the aftermath of a dying world. It reminds me a bit of Charn in the books of Narnia…

  13. Pretty dark, funny that yours could be a prelude to my version, just like 234 years before 😉 I have a liking to a bit of Noir so I really liked this!

    • That is a funny overlap. Glad you enjoyed it, thanks for the comment
      The Lonely Recluse

      • Didn’t mean they were in any other way the same. Yours was like a murder, mine the closed scene after.

        • I’d actually envisioned mine as an end of the world due to war (well, it started as murder and then decided it wanted to be bigger than that), which fits nicely with the Iron Monk contemplating the stupidity of war

          • I read it as murder, then mass murder, then total murder, it grew nicely into more grim. What’s the saying, “Kill one you’re a murderer, kill a thousand and you’re a King, kill All and you are God”. Yes, I like the idea that all those dead in your story get quantumbrained sentrybots 10% computational power in tibetan songs from the book of the Dead sung by 10 000 monks in that quantum brain 🙂 Sadly I didn’t get that in..

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: